i have been reading alot of other peoples blogs since i started doing this. and i have noticed a common theme through alot of them. whether they are mommies of small children who are just figuring this whole thing out, seasoned pros (HA) like myself, who have been doing this awhile, or men and women just putting everyday thoughts and questions "out there" with the hope that someone, anyone, will say "i know what you mean". we do it to try and figure things out.
while i was away with my g/f's last weekend we started chatting about life in general. it started as a bitch session on our husbands, and delved a little deeper. it has to do more with life. John Lennon had a quote that went something like "life is what happens when you're making other plans" ( excuse the misquote if it's there). and i think i have finally come to understand exactly what that means.
if someone had told me 20 years ago where i would be in my life now, i would have given them my best "you are such an idiot" scoff , and said something real witty like "yeah whatever". this was not my plan. first of all, as the oldest of 5, i was NEVER having kids. i saw what it did, it sucked up all your money, it drained you of all your energy, and it stole who you really were. ummm ok, so i had no clue how much love you would feel for your child(ren) and i learned you didn't mind sacrificing those things, it was a small price to pay.
i also knew i wanted to get married, but to whom i married? no freakin way. i was marrying my soul mate and settling for nothing less. someone who would read a book after me and discuss it at length. someone who would give me new reasons to love him everyday, and make me feel appreciated with every word that came from his clean shaven face. someone who would accept with grace the fact that he is maturing and not cling to his 20's like they were the very blood that gives him life. again, i had no clue i would fall for the man who challenged everything i believed because he fell in love with my son before he fell in love with me.
contentment is a word used alot, and it's good. it's ok to be content. passion and excitement are great feelings, but they burn out and fade and life happens. thats what my friends and i were saying. we all felt guilty not being overly happy with our lives, but we love our kids and have learned the skillfull art of "mastering the husband", and we are content.
i think that's why so many of us feel the way we do. we didn't want to be content, we wanted to set the world on fire. i am 36, this is who i am. i will never be a high powered woman with the world at her beck and call. i will probably never live in LA, i will never be a size 2. i will never be so many of the things my young self pictured me being. i need to accept these things and move forward. but it is so hard to let go of those dreams.
i believe this is what a mid life crisis is. when you realize the dreams you had when you were young will always be dreams, and your life..yes the one you live every monotonous day..is really and truly what you got. and i don't mean to sound unhappy, because i'm not. i am just not 100% accepting it yet. but until i completely let go i will be content.