Wednesday, April 26, 2006

i got to thinking

i just read a post at chaotic mom, i am new to this so i have no idea how to link it, but she was discussing how she basiclly feels like she is not herself anymore. and i realized that is what is wrong with me these days. i have been blaming so much on my husband, or the weather, or trying to teach my 16 yr old to drive. i have been blaming my foul moods on anyone who will listen. i am starting to think (this is hard) it must be me.

I mean ultimately i am responsible for my own happiness. I pretend like i don't feel old (i'm 36), i pretend like i am just so happy for everything i am, and for the most part it's true. i love being a mom, i even love being a wife, even though my hubby makes it very hard sometimes, but some days i just feel like i missed something. but if you ask me what it is i missed, i couldn't tell you. if you asked me why i don't do something different i couldn't tell you. most people who know me would say that i'm happy, and i am, but.....

there are just so many days when i am so fed up with laundry and dishes, baseball, scheduling my life around my kids schedules. is it so wrong to want someone to put me first, just once? or is that totally selfish, and if it is...why is everyone around me entitled to selfishness and i am expected to be completely selfless. do all moms feel this way? or is there more satisfaction in your life if you left the house to work every day? was i happier when i worked because i was working, or was it because i had only 1 child and was 21?

is this a mid life crisis? if it is...does anyone know a cure? i hope i feel better tommorrow

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Call your sister and start your own "I Hate__________" list. Its oddly cathartic and renews the sense of bitter that keeps you feeling young!