Monday, May 14, 2007

the battle rages within

Being the oldest girl of 5 children I was like a mini mom from the ages of 8-16. Not only did I earn a whole bunch of concert, magazine and Aqua Net cash by babysitting neighbor kids, but I was the built in babysitter of the household. I complained then, but really I didn't mind. I love my brothers and sisters as much as I love my own children, just in a different kind of way.

When I became a mom I was pretty sure there wasn't a whole lot that could shock me. Before I even hit puberty I had been spit up on, peed on, and changed more NASTY diapers than most full grown women. I had the bouncy hip thing down and could rock a fussy, teething baby to sleep quicker than my own mom. I knew formula, cereal, how to clip nails, and clean umbilical cords. I was nothing short of a pro. There was only one thing to shock me...


Holy shiznit. The GUILT. No one told me I would feel guilty over EVERYTHING. Ooopps dressed baby in shorts and it's cloudy. (GUILT) Didn't buy the right baseball pants and for one game he is the only one with black instead of charcoal. (GUILT) Couldn't make a PTO meeting and now he missed book fair. (GUILT) The list goes on and on, and as you can see 99.9% of it is frivolous. So pure it floats.

I realized last weekend my guilt was becoming too much. My oldest, who has never had to work outside of chores around the house, a milisecond of his life, never had to "collect" gas money, never paid a penny of insurance. Turned 16 and had a car, which cost him nada, at the ready. This dear sweet boy had to give up "his car", you know the one we bought, paid on for 5 years, keep full of gas, and insured, plus put a new engine in it so he would have a car to use. Yeah he had to give up "his car" so the guys that work for us, helping enable us to be able to provide all these things for him, could actually get to work for a couple days.

I felt GUILTY!!!!! Why? Because I knew he had plans to go to the movies on Friday. I ran crazy Friday afternoon, arranging rides for 2 other children, dropping them to places where they could get rides to where they needed to be, and was stuck at home for the entire evening. ALl so oldest could keep his uber important plan to go see Spiderman intact. Am I completely insane?!!?

All together now, "Why yes Maria, it seems you are"

So this year for Mother's Day I decided ENOUGH. I am done with the GUILT, the GUILT is taking over my life. The GUILT is completely unfounded, and I am taking back my emotions. Of course the youngest woke up sniffling this morning, and I realized I had left his window open last night....damn.


Brewster said...

Happy Belated Mother's Day!!!! Hope it wass a good one otherwise. Take care of yourself.

kailani said...

We do the best we can and then we move on. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. You're doing a great job!