state of me

my complete and utter lack of posting over the last couple weeks may lead you to think i had actually decided to do something, you know, constructive with my time. as if. i can assure you nothing of the sort is going on. i have been in a bit of a funk. and really looking back, it's not been the greatest year. there have been worse, but this one isn't going down as the great and wonderful '06.

in a fit of melancholy i was looking through some old pics, and i found one of my husband and i shortly after we met. we look like a couple of kids, and after the shock wore off, i realized that is exactly what we were. kids. kids who each had such a screwed up childhood (in his case) and young adult hood (as was mine), we thought we knew it all. people our age were still in college, living off mom and dad, spending their money foolishly. we were paying a mortgage and raising a child, soon to be 2 children, and working 60 hours a week. it's a wonder i am a wee bit bitter now.

and it's not that i'm bitter over what other people had, i am bitter over what i didn't even have an opportunity to try. but i look at my hub, and i see in his past, that even i was lucky by his standards. and i realized my oldest is at the age i was when my life changed forever.

i guess the change ahd been in motion for a year or 2 before, but i was young and unaware. if it wasn't on MTV, did it really count? but at the ripe old age of 16 my life was thrown into a tailspin, and my parents true identities surfaced. i and my siblings were tossed into the ugly world that can exist when your parents are more worried about themselves, then they are you. and let me tell you..it can get u g l y .

that moment i was forced into adulthood, ready or not. some of my decisions were bad. i know that now, but i can't go back and change them. i can only move forward and not make the same mistake twice.

and i am moving forward from here one more time. things have been tough around here lately. i am starting to think i have some sort of 8 year curse. every 8 years i am doomed to a year or so hell. but the i look back to 8 years ago, and i realize things aren't so bad this time. i have just gotten a little softer. i should be thankful for that. and i am convinced i have some BAD joo joo following me around. and the only way to shake it, is to stop looking for it.

so this morning when i walked upstairs, i didn't get mad over the pile of shoes, jackets, and bags laying by the door. instead i was thankful my kids are able to walk up those stairs, and go to school, and not be afraid to be careless with their things. children in this country sleep with shoes on, because they fear someone will steal them. that isn't my family, and i am thankful for that. my children will never know the trauma i knew, they will not have to worry if they can make ends meet at 20. and decide which food item they don't need so they can buy diapers.

my husband and i worry that we are doing our kids an injustice by not giving them more responsibility. but then we remember how much that responsibility sucks when you finally do have it, and instead we are proud we have acheived a status in life to have a chance to spoil our kids. and let them be the poeple we weren't at 22, the people they should be. and thats a good thing too.