Jake

The day I was born, God looked at the road I had ahead of me and knew I would need some help. He gave me a sister who would be my rock, then He saw I would need a sense of humor, He gave me a brother who would always be able to make me laugh. He knew I would need to feel tenderness, He gave me another brother to show me I was loved. Finally with the knowledge I would be a mom, He gave me someone who would show me how to be patient and tolerant, He gave me another sister.

The four of them helped to shape my future more than any other people I have known in my life, my own children included. We are 5 parts that make a whole, each of us self sufficient, but occasionally, needing the other 4 to fill in the gaps for us. Our love for each other is something rare and wonderful. It is a precious gift that not every group of siblings knows. I am blessed to have them.

Last weekend my laughter was taken away, and our group became smaller. I feel like I might never laugh again, and if I do it will be hollow and empty. I cry every time I say "my brothers and sisters", because now it is just my brother. I feel lost and sad, sadder than I ever thought possible. The last week of my life was so long and tortured I thought it might never end.

But I am thankful knowing I am not alone. And together we will each pick up a little of the laughter that was taken from us. And with our brother's memory, we will smile again....

the me in mommy

One of the only pros to having little uninterrupted time to write a post is that it gives you time to reflect on what you may be writing. As was the case with this piece of literary genius.

I woke up the other morning, looked around my room, and literally felt sick. Don't go jumping to conclusions, I assure you pregnancy is not in my future. Cleaning my bedroom was. The mess I looked at was disturbing. Back in the spring when our neice moved in with us, the "throw in whatever you have no idea what else to with" room was forced to become my 2 younger son's room, and our bedroom became the room for the crap. Not only did it become the crap room, it also became the I'll get to it later room. YUCK, later was here. When you find yourself feeling uncomfortable being barefoot in your own bedroom, yah later had definitely arrived.

So I spent the afternoon cleaning the enitre downstairs and when I was done I was glad. As I looked around though, I saw things and didn't see things. I saw piles of books waiting to be read, bottles of nail polish tossed, a whole lot of clothes that hadn't seen the light of day since Christ walked the earth, and could I find more than one scented candle to cover the stink of old dust?

What the hell? I thought, who am I? I used to have at least one book going at all times, nails polished to perfection, enough Yankee Candles laying around to open my own outlet and the list goes on and on. The thing I didn't understand was I was able to keep these things up with 3 boys under the age of 10. It seems the older they get the less attention I pay to myself. Why? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

That was my original question....Where have I gone? Do I give so much of myself to my kids, that I somehow lost who I was? But the more I thought about it the more I thought, maybe that was me then and maybe this is me now. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad about things that are part of my past. I still love to read, but I also love to spend an hour sweating my butt off at the gym. I would still love to have beautiful nails, but I like working in my yard alot too. Candles and nonsense around the house all the time? Come to think of it I just got damn tired of dusting the shiznit off all the time.

I haven't lost me to mommy, I've just become a new me.