Boo humbug

I am not a halloweenie kind of person.

I used to be, I was all about dressing up and scoring some free goodies. Playing a trick or two, (or twenty, but just one year, I swear) and generally having fun. Even after I got out of school and was working, I would dress up and embrace the day o spooky.

Then I was a full fledged grown up and would decorate the life out of my house, even though I have usually lived in the boonies where nary a trick or treater shows their face. I loved to get treat bags together for school, and couldn't wait to dress up the chillins and head out in search of a free sugar rush.

Somewhere along the line I lost it. I actually said to myself this morning "One more year". Fifth grade is the last year for Halloween parties where the kids dress up. I didn't even buy a pumpkin this year. I am a Halloween grinch.....

to football moms

One fine hot summer day in August of 1996 I did something that would become a ritual. I dressed my oldest son in his football gear, and took him to practice. It seemed like it was the hottest day of the year so far, and I failed to realize he would need a drink. Lucky for him we lived close to the field and my error was soon remedied.

I will never forget that day. I think of it every time football season starts, every time I put in pads for the inaugural practice, and boil the mouthpiece. How I struggled with the equiptment (and he was only playing flag that year), fought with the damn belt, and cursed my husband for not realizing before hand I would have no clue how to do this and taken care of it. Only 10 minutes late that day, not bad at all, of course we were minus a drink and the mouthpiece was too big. But we were there.

Without fail every August rolls around and I know it's coming. Tweleve years and it's never let me down, the first week of camp will be the hottest it's been all summer, and the stentch of the equipment when I finally get to wash it never stops shocking me. Only now, I am the mom who is always on time and always ready. I am the mom everyone asks for directions to away games, and I am the mom who warns of the danger of over boiling, and carries a spare mouthpiece in her car, because someone will always lose one 5 minutes before kick off.

I am a football mom. I cry when they lose and cheer the loudest when they win. I boo the refs when neccesary, and run along the sidelines if my kid has the ball. I brave a season that starts when I am still swimming and ends with a snowstorm. I will stand in a downpour sipping bad coffee, because if I don't, I won't be able to stand not knowing what is going on. The teams have changed, we have been Bulldogs, Vikings and Huskies, but my pride remains the same.

Last night my oldest informed me his tentatively scheduled game for next week was cancelled, and because of their stellar 3 and 5 record so far this season, the last game would indeed be Friday. As of right now he has no plans to play in college.

I looked at him and said "Just like that, huh?" and started to cry and he said "yup" and teared up a little as well. It's been a nice run.

I will still have gear to wash and pads to fit into those tiny pockets next year, but I will have one less set to deal with, one less game to watch, one less son to cheer for. But my memories of all those games will live on forever and right now I'm glad I was there.

This was in a program a few years ago, and it's a little hokey, but it sums it up.

His Football Uniform

For many long years I washed this suit and goodness what a chore!
I've seen the grass, blood and dirt, the stains and grime galore.
I've held it very gingerly, then dropped it in the wash.
While thinking, next week wash again, gee, O Lord, gosh.

The fortune on detergent, the time I've spent _ I shudder.
For many long years I've washed this suit; call me mother.
But today I washed this uniform, perhaps the final time.
After all those years of drudgery, I failed to see the grime.
I saw the boy who wore it with such pride and dignity.
And suddenly, that football suit looked beautiful to me.
I saw the dedication of my young man to the team.
His pride to wear the uniform, to play the game and dream.

I feel the tingling of the game, the tumult to the end.
The heart, the spunk, the cheer and pats of every loyal friend.
The character and goodness that this uniform helped to grow.
And precious boy who wore it is so special I can glow.
If I had one wish for certain, the one I would adore-
Would be to wash this uniform for many long years more!

Thank you Zak!

on words

My youngest son has had, for most of his 9 years, a gift for butchering the English language. The first word he ever said was "tree", he said it "free", and so it began. Trucks were frucks, motorcycles were a group of sounds I hope I am never able to make, oatmeal was oatmore. The list is long.

Even as he got older he refused to say things correctly, no matter how much correcting I did. I'll admit, he's my youngest it was cute. I would correct him, but it never took. Not only does he mispronounce everything, he refers to most things, at least once as "You know, that thing". Clearly if it isn't overly important to him it gets shuffled to the back.

We have had many an early morning arguement over the mint muffin and ENGLISH muffin debate. A mint muffin (you need to say mint with emphasis) is a sausage egg and cheese sand, like a mc muffin. Which is what the rest of us call it. An ENGLISH (again said more loud than emphatic) muffin is just that.

Last night the 2 of us stopped for dinner on the way to a football game. He was telling me about the dinner he and his brothers and husband went to a few months ago. It was funny because they told the waitress it was middle son's b day and got a free dessert. (survival skills my friends) He proceeded to inform me that the guys, "you know the guys who work there".

"Waiters" I interrupted

"Yeah them, anyway the guys who work there brought out the bong and everything"

So I froze, pretneded not to hear, and prayed no one around me did either.

"The what?" I said

You know the thing they hit (I swear I almost choked when he said that) with the big stick.

He proceeded to demonstrate how to hit a "bong"

Only he meant a GONG.

Homecoming '07

I offer proof, that even though I am aging, my genes are still quite impressive. My oldest at his last HS homecoming, and his equally stunning g/f, and not to be ignored, the good car.

Hey Now

TWO posts in a week...wooo, setting the world on fire.

Stayed home yesterday, on the premise that I had some of my work to do. I am tired of running all week and working all weekend while the dear sig other travels around the country feeding his man crush on Romo . Laundry was piled, paperwork was long ignored, receipts were spilling out of their bin, and payroll was still unfinished from LAST week. Plus I thought it would be nice to feed my family something that didn't come from a window or had been previously frozen. What did I do?

umm nada, but I did clean and cook dinner and do laundry, and read 200 pages of Ghost Story...but I hate paperwork. I am such a non starter. So here we are today and I am once again putting off some work.

So I saw a commercial yesterday for the re release of the "previously released for a short time only, once it's gone it's gone for good" Jungle Book . It got me to thinking of the movies my kids attached themselves to, and how many times I had seen each one. Beauty and the Beast, 101 Dalmations, The Lion King, and I thought if I had to listen to Woody and Buzz one more time, I might actually try to fly myself.

Maybe this is why I don't watch TV now. I find travelling around the blog o sphere lately I am in the minority of non TV watchers. My boys and husband watch Prison Break. Which, in my humble opinion, is the stupidest thing going...how many times is this guy getting locked up? Come on, do people really like this crap? Ewww, so I feel a little like the geek in HS, because I do NOT watch any network prime time shows, do not look forward to the fall lineup, and could care less who has been kicked off, voted out or eliminated.

Just call me Nerd, I'm alone in my room reading a book.

ohhh click on publish post.....

anyway....questions questions questions. That's all I have lately are questions. And questions with no answers, not exactly a riveting read. That added to the fact that the only spare time I have had is from 5:45 to 6:00 am, or 10:30 pm until I fall into a deep coma like sleep, usually 2 minutes later. SO while I don't claim to be a literary genius, or anything, it still hasn't left much time to sit down and think of something to write.

You know, like questions.

I am tormented by the questions. When my brother died everyone said it had to happen for a reason. Maybe a reason we'll never know. But I cannot stop thinking that part of it was so that the rest of us would really and truly understand how short and precious life is. A kick in the ass so to say. But what does it really say?

Be happy.....does that mean change the things in my life that make me unhappy. Or, accept my life isn't perfect and be happy with what I have? Do I go crazy to lose weight, because my body does not make me happy? or do I accept who I am and stop worrying about me shape and just eat the food I love? Do I work harder to acheive things quicker? or relax and take life as it comes, knowing as long as my kids are healthy everything else will be good? Do I spend more or save more? Green beans or broccoli? Take more vacations? Take less?

Clearly I need some answers....or medication.

i'll be expecting a swarm of locusts anytime now

You know when you go through the tragedy of losing a loved one, it SUCKS. Right? right. SO you would think maybe the universe would take my fragile state of emotions into consideration. Maybe I could be sheltered from some of life' s problems for a couple months. Give me time to maybe, you know, get my sanity back. I honestly don't think that would be asking alot. I don't want to win the lottery, well I do, but it's not like I'm gnashing my teeth and shaking my fist at the world because I couldn't score the 300 mil from powerball. I don't expect my children to suddenly become angelic little cherubs, cleaning, laundry doing, non fighting cherubs. I don't even expect special treatment, I know life goes on, I know the world continues, I know I have to continue to be strong and brave and show my children mommy has not completely lost it.

So is it too much to ask that maybe I be spared some of the other shit that isn't just a normal part of everyday stress? Which in all honesty, I think I have enough of anyway. thankyouverymuch.

Because there are quite a few things I seriously could have done without recently, like the 10 day vigil where I was begging God, Allah, and pretty damn near much anyone who would listen to bring upon my niece's (ahem) time of the month. Even though she swore it was impossible, she be pregnant. Never mind the fact there seems to have been NO responsible parental unit when she was back visiting her mom, and grandmother and old boyfriend and friends, a few weeks ago. Finally it arrived with much quiet celebration on my part. Then there was the nail I apparently drove over at some point, a rather large nail it was at that. I found out about it when I came out of Wal Mart to a completely flat tire. So yeah frozen food does NOT hold up well when it's a billion degrees out and you're waiting for someone to come change your tire.

Of course my ever helpful husband, has decided it's time for his 2987th mid life crisis, and every bit of available cash has been dribbling away to incredibly important things like $100 hair cut and color, non profitable trips to AC, useless shit for car racing that is over for the year anyway, and even more important stuff for the snowmobiles..that will be lost before that season begins.

He must have more lives than my cat who keeps running into traffic, with all the "mid life" issues he has had.

One of neighbors has filed a complaint against us and we get to go to court, my accountant is having "trouble" piecing together where $50k went last year, and my printer and Windows Vista don't get along so well. Only they decide not to get along only when I need to have something printed immediately. My dryer has stopped drying things, unless it runs for 90 minutes or so.

There are tons of little things, I seem to be operating in a daze because I have stubbed my toes, and whacked my hands and fingers against more objects I can count. The kid's current schedules have me driving in circles for almost 3 hours straight every evening. And could the oldest stop being a jerk and then blaming it on MY bad mood?

Then finally as if all of that were not enough for me, a poor grieving soul who wants nothing more than to relax and get herself back on track, the real kicker, the big one. There was the raging flood that destroyed all our carpet and alot of our furniture in our downstairs. The same DS that houses ours and the 2 younger boys bedrooms. Well housed, I should say as the boys have been forced to move back upstairs into my old office and we are sleeping in a slightly damp, kinda stinky bedroom. With a dehumidifier that has decided it will no longer auto shut off. I found that out as it was pouring water back out onto the lovely cement floor I get to tread over..IN MY BEDROOM.

And just now as I was dumping said de humidifier, I stepped an a piece of the rug tack strip that was next to the tub....and it hurt.

and you thought picking a pre school was hard

Because my oldest son thought he knew it all, he made 2 mistakes in the last year.

1.He failed a quarter of US History because he didn't turn in the take home work he had to complete while we were on vacation last year, and

2.He missed, by 20 points, the cut off for a couple very good universities on the math section of the SAT. THEN didn't get up the day in May he was scheduled to take it again.

He has since remedied no 1 by dating his History teacher's sister. kidding, actually he won't even be his teacher this year. And no 2, well he has to take the SAT in October again, but unfortunately he really needs to apply before then. Now, he is looking at probably not getting into his first choice of schools (Pitt).

So guess what we did this weekend? Made a list of schools. Ten places my oldest feels will be acceptable to give him the knowledge he needs to succeed in life. Plus I think the hotness of the girls on the brochure factored in some as well.

This task was not as simple as it sounds, seeing as at one juncture I almost threw the 6 inch, 5 pound, US News and World Report Ultimate College Guide at him. If I wasn't so weak from arguing I may have given it a go.

How do you pick a college? I mean really, sure we all have dreams of Ivy League eduacated children...FULL scholarship Ivy League eduacted, I should say. But in reality there are so many schools to choose from. How do you pick a place where you will drive your child, and drop him off on Saturday in August, with his belongings to fend for himself? I gotta tell you..it's HARD. We compromised by choosing schools (with one exception) that were within a 3 hour drive from home. Close enough to visit alot, far enough to let him be on his own. But who is to say he's ready? He was looking for cool campuses, varied food choices and coed dorms. I am searching for bloodshot eyes (or lack thereof), lighted parking lots, lots of cell service, and girls with morals.

I am praying we picked the right ones....he chose 5 we know he will get into
Slippery Rock, Gannon, Marshall, Cal University of PA, and Dayton University. And 5 that he is going to have to BS his way into...Pitt, Penn State, State University of NY at Albany (my family is in Albany so I made a concession), Temple and U of Maryland. Now he could be accepted to a satelite campus for any of those schools (except Temple I think), but his goal is Main.

So, the work begins, there are millions of dollars in app fees to pay, essays to force him to write, and a math section on the SAT to conquer. All this out of a kid who would be content to lay on the couch and play Madden the rest of his life. I have quite a road ahead. If a really handsome 17 yr old is seen wandering the streets you will know why.

and what the hell is that SMELL.....

umm yeah, so that funky stench of old sweat, axe body spray, and feet. That would be my house, and it would mean only one thing....Football season is upon us. Which shockingly enough, means that this is the last weekend of summer vacation. Wow. That's only all I can say.

In past years the return of school has brought about parties the likes of which even Lindsey Lohan couldn't imagine. This year ehh. I mean don't get me wrong, I will eagerly herd the chillins onto the buses and into their cars, and I am uber ready to regain some order around the house. But I am so not ready for the schedules and the running, and the homework. The homework more than anything.

I got just a wee taste of it this week, with four kids in 3 schools and participating in 5 different sports, and my niece who was still working. Back to school meetings, booster clubs, fundraisers, Senior (don't even get me started on that path) parents, and work for us which was very busy this week. I don't think I was home for longer than an hour at a stretch until 9 pm most nights. And here I am bright and early this morning getting ready to head out to a scrimmage.

They say when these days pass me by, I'll miss them. At this point I am ready to give it a go.

and so

it seems, as the saying goes, life does indeed go on. My pain doesn't necessarily disappear, but it takes a backseat. One day last week I noticed I hadn't cried once all day, then I was able to listen to Sweet Home Alabama without feeling like my insides would be torn apart. Then I was able to tell the story of the crack in the light fixture and smile instead of whimper.

Then I realized, my brother, had the last laugh. I have this hideous light fixture over my table, for 8 years I have dreamed of ceremoniously tossing it off my deck and watching it shatter into millions of pieces. Now my husband is doing the happy dance, because my constant begging for it to be put to death are over. Once when Jake was here he hit his head on said fixture, and put a crack in it. Now I will most likely take it with me when I move out.

But things move forward, and luckily we had a happy 1st birthday to celebrate. So I loaded the vehicle and headed home to spoil my nephew and smother him with birthday kisses. He, of course, wants nothing to do with me, but I bide my time, soon he will realize who's house has the cool stuff, and I will become auntie #1. And I'm not too proud to bribe him.


*********************************

Husband and I celebrated 13 years of marital bliss yesterday. Although I am forced to point out, our actual anniversary number pales in comparison to the "living in sin" anniversary, which is coming in at almost 16. Which makes for a whole lotta years. I would thrill to say "our love grows more with every passing year", but in actuality, isn't it more like "we become more tolerant of each others crap because we are just plain tired of the same old arguments with each passing year" ? I mean if you were to be honest, what's your view on making a marriage last? I recently told my SIL to be, a/k/a mama to perfect nephew, the key to making a relationship last is determination, love fades in and out, determination keeps you together.

Lastly, when I was home for birthday we also went and picked out out brides maid dresses for my youngest sister's wedding and I am pleased to say I like it. WHich shocked me, because I never dreamed I would feel comfortable in something so strapless.

With all the bad that has happened over the last year, I can only hope that the 12 months ahead will be full of joy, weddings, maybe more babies(them, NOT me), graduations and so on. And while they will all feel a little empty, all we can do is go on.

Jake

The day I was born, God looked at the road I had ahead of me and knew I would need some help. He gave me a sister who would be my rock, then He saw I would need a sense of humor, He gave me a brother who would always be able to make me laugh. He knew I would need to feel tenderness, He gave me another brother to show me I was loved. Finally with the knowledge I would be a mom, He gave me someone who would show me how to be patient and tolerant, He gave me another sister.

The four of them helped to shape my future more than any other people I have known in my life, my own children included. We are 5 parts that make a whole, each of us self sufficient, but occasionally, needing the other 4 to fill in the gaps for us. Our love for each other is something rare and wonderful. It is a precious gift that not every group of siblings knows. I am blessed to have them.

Last weekend my laughter was taken away, and our group became smaller. I feel like I might never laugh again, and if I do it will be hollow and empty. I cry every time I say "my brothers and sisters", because now it is just my brother. I feel lost and sad, sadder than I ever thought possible. The last week of my life was so long and tortured I thought it might never end.

But I am thankful knowing I am not alone. And together we will each pick up a little of the laughter that was taken from us. And with our brother's memory, we will smile again....

the me in mommy

One of the only pros to having little uninterrupted time to write a post is that it gives you time to reflect on what you may be writing. As was the case with this piece of literary genius.

I woke up the other morning, looked around my room, and literally felt sick. Don't go jumping to conclusions, I assure you pregnancy is not in my future. Cleaning my bedroom was. The mess I looked at was disturbing. Back in the spring when our neice moved in with us, the "throw in whatever you have no idea what else to with" room was forced to become my 2 younger son's room, and our bedroom became the room for the crap. Not only did it become the crap room, it also became the I'll get to it later room. YUCK, later was here. When you find yourself feeling uncomfortable being barefoot in your own bedroom, yah later had definitely arrived.

So I spent the afternoon cleaning the enitre downstairs and when I was done I was glad. As I looked around though, I saw things and didn't see things. I saw piles of books waiting to be read, bottles of nail polish tossed, a whole lot of clothes that hadn't seen the light of day since Christ walked the earth, and could I find more than one scented candle to cover the stink of old dust?

What the hell? I thought, who am I? I used to have at least one book going at all times, nails polished to perfection, enough Yankee Candles laying around to open my own outlet and the list goes on and on. The thing I didn't understand was I was able to keep these things up with 3 boys under the age of 10. It seems the older they get the less attention I pay to myself. Why? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

That was my original question....Where have I gone? Do I give so much of myself to my kids, that I somehow lost who I was? But the more I thought about it the more I thought, maybe that was me then and maybe this is me now. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad about things that are part of my past. I still love to read, but I also love to spend an hour sweating my butt off at the gym. I would still love to have beautiful nails, but I like working in my yard alot too. Candles and nonsense around the house all the time? Come to think of it I just got damn tired of dusting the shiznit off all the time.

I haven't lost me to mommy, I've just become a new me.

to think Pink Floyd had it all figured out and I was too stupid to listen

Do you read your horoscope?

I do, almost every day, believing it though is usually an entirely different beast all together. Sure you read it, you chuckle, you go about your day never giving it a second thought. Every once in awhile though, it seems to hit the nail right on the ol head. Usually my head, but sometimes it is dead on. Unfortunately i don't heed the advice until it's too late, or will read it the next day and think damn, there's some info that would have come in handy yesterday.

So, to end this nonsense rambling, let me get to the point....my horoscope the other day told me, things will begin to calm down now. Take advantage of the peace. I spoke out loud to my computer..."You better be right". Because we still like each other, I am thinking it will listen. The mess of last week is looking up, for that I am grateful. But in the midst of it, I selfishly thought how much it sucked that I couldn't even get 2 days to myself without the world crumbling. Then guilt took over, and slapped me around. So, if there is one thing I am ready for is some peace.


I am one of those people who pretty much sees any situation as half full. So, I like to think I do not create my own drama. So you move along through life things are going ok. Could be better, could be worse...blah blah blah. Then one day you walk smack dab into the brick wall. No matter how hard you try, that wall is there, yielding occasionally, just enough to trick you into thinking all was good again. "HAH...sucker", the wall snickers. Back again.


But if you think back, you can remember a time when the wall wasn't there. All was quiet, if you're like me, it's when my kids were young. I was young. I was staying home, living in a neighborhood I loved, enjoying every day of my life. Then one day the wall showed up, and I have been struggling to get over, around, or just blow the damn thing up, since. It's given way on occasion, but it won't completely let me through. Here's hoping my horoscope was right, and my wall lets me pass this time.

genetics and not so much

Last weekend was my anuual girl's trip to Atlantic City, and it was fabulous....for the first 24 hours. Then I got some bad news and it became nothing more than a test of my will and determination. The first phone call to my husband went something super rational like "You NEED to come get me NOW, because I CANNOT be here with this going on!!!!!!"

However cooler heads prevailed for me, and helped me realize there wasn't much I could do wherever I was. Short of renting a leer jet to transport me, and seeing as nickel slots don't usually pay out in the hundred thousand dollar range that wasn't a viable option. So i ran my cell phone battery down like 4 times and waited out the last day of my trip.

When I received the news I had been on my way to "dinner". I say dinner, but really I was on my way to the feeding frenzy that can only occur when the words seafood, buffet, all you can eat, and crablegs are involved. And I was gonna show my friends my trademark "butter" shooter too. But I would like to retain some sort of dignity here, so I will refrain from further explanation. So obviously, I begged off dinner. My dear friends didn't want to go, but I had blubbered at them long enough and they had endured an hour of the kind of phone calls a large family in crisis can create, so I told them to go. I would go outside and get some air, then go charge my phone and wait.

About 90 minutes later I am talking to my sister in VA, and I realized as I was on the phone with her, that even though I wasn't hungry, I had eaten a rather large bag of ceddar and sour cream chips, and half of the gallon bag of mini candy bars. HMMMMM Stress much? My sister wouldn't admit to it, but she was most likely smoking her 50th cig while her 3rd french bread pizza was cooking. Today she and another family member are headed to Friendly's...because if there is one thing our family does in crisis it's eat and we do it well.

Switch to the opposite end of the spectrum, upon my return I checked my email the next day. My youngest sister who is getting married next May had already emailed me a link to her registries (before the near tragedy, of course). Because if that had been me, the one who did her entire 20 page senior essay in one weekend. You know the one they assign the beginning of the year to turn in at the end? Registries wouldn't be complete until 2 weeks before. No wonder she's nervous about me being in charge of her shower. Has anyone ever had an "after wedding" shower?

love and such

I am IN LOVE!!!!! I am, I am, I am. I have suffered long and hard and the rewards are so worth it. I have mentioned before about my love/hate relationship with all things electronic. Sure they make life a little easier, but in the long run, they always kick me when I'm down. Take for example computers. My PC before the one i have been using up and quit on me in JANUARY 2005. JANUARY people. As a self employed bookeepeer who is a little lazy on the backing up, that is absolutely the worst possible time for my computer to quit.

Why? You ask....Becasue in January I have reports to file, w 2's to send out, and those pesky things like income tax to prepare for. Usually there are about 3 months of work that I inadvertantly haven't backed up yet, making a computer failure disastrous. Not to mention January begins what I like to refer to as our "humble time".

Or to put it bluntly, it's our poor season. There is no money coming in, and because we still believe in the magic money fairy or something, we have usually spent most of our cash on really important things like...snowmobiles, and Disney trips. Miraculously I scraped enough cash up to get a new PC and so began our honeymoon period. You know how those first 6 months it seems like your new friend can do know wrong, it reads your mind and anticipates your desires. Life is just too good.

Then one day you get a weird message from it, "No big deal" you think. (click) all gone, still friends. Only that's just the beginning. My computer becomes more and more like my husband every day, whining and complaining, slow to start, and LAZY. Then, much like I do my children, I begin to bribe it. "Please' c'mon, just do this one thing and I'll shut you down". Then I start to threaten it, finally I end up ignoring it as much as humanly possible and throw the ol stink eye it's way when I pass.

I have endured 6 long months of listening to my PC sound like a helicopter when I would attempt to do anything, run 2 programs? Oh hell no. I think it would have flown away, or simply imploded. Plus it noticed I was spending a bit too much time on the internet, so it quit that on me too. Forcing me to use a laptop that my super svelte husband (all 6'4 and 270 pounds of) stepped on and cracked the hinge, so the screen hung a little crooked, which was always fun. You haven't paid your car insurance, until you've paid it sideways!

So yesterday my new love arrived, and I can run as many programs at once as I want, I can work AND go on the internet. I can even look it straight in the eye and it's so quiet I forget it's even on. PLUS, it has this great post it note thingy in the (gush) sidebar...ooohhhh. I know I am falling again and I would like to think I have learned my lesson. In matters of the heart I guess I'm a sucker.

tutus

As a mom of only boys there are a few things I never had an opportunity to witness over the last 17 years. I have seen my fair share of cheerleading competitions. and done some formal dress shopping, even hung around a gymnastic camp or two. I had never been to a dance recital before this past weekend.

I know friends who have girls complain incessantly about the dreaded recital, and after sitting through one I can kind of see their point. KINDA Because I realized on Saturday night I GOT GIPPED!!!!! I never wanted a girl so badly as I did sitting there watching these young women dance.

They ranged in age from 4 to 18, so there were some high points and some low. And if I had been a mom to the 4 year olds, who were onstage for all of 3.5 minutes of the THREE HOURS, I may have been a bit put off. But some of the girls were absolutely stunning (my son's g/f being one of them), and to pour salt in the wound, the theme was 80's songs.

SO I sat there listening to my songs and watching other people's daughters dance. It was heart wrenching. I had always thought I was ok with never having had a girl. I am so thankful for my boys, that they are healthy and smart, and every other wonderful thing they are. But they will not don a tutu...ever. Probably not even on a dare.

Looking back though I am super glad I decided to go the permanent birth control route a few years back, cause I would most likely be sweating right now if I hadn't. As much as I loved to dance, and as much as I would have loved to have a dughter to share my passion with, I do not want to have a child starting kindergarten as I am becoming a grandma.

time in a bottle

it honestly seems like a month or so ago that I happily exclaimed in 2 days it would be a schoooool night. Take that, another summer done, another exciting school year ahead. Only it somehow unbelievably was 9 months ago. On one hand it seems as though the year flew, on the other, so much has happened, it seems unthinkable it's ONLY been a year. Time, she plays funny tricks.

I find it incredibly painful to watch my youngest son grow up. Maybe painful isn't the word, I guess I feel helpless. I sit across the table from him, watching him dunk his cookies and want to freeze every second, I never want to forget these minutes. I am making up for the fact that when he was an infant, he suffered from the 3rd baby = no picture syndrome, by snapping 2 or 3 shots of him almost daily sometimes. I want to freeze that mischevious smile, or innocent look. The things I KNOW for sure will fade with time. They will fade, his voice will deepen, his shoulders broaden, his sense of humor and THAT laugh, all these things will change, and my sweet little boy who laughs at everything, will become a sulky teen, then a man. I know it will happen, I have watched it twice now. I will not be caught off guard again.

I caught a glimpse of my middle son and he had the same build as his older brother. He was riding his dirtbike and it could have been the oldest had I not known better. I knew at that moment he would be taller than me if we measured (he was, well is). Taller, thinner, yet broader. He is changing before my eyes.

Time is hard on a mom, sometimes I just want to stop it, freeze everything, maybe even move it back a bit. sigh

the end

hmm no idea why no comments on the last post...hopefully it won't happen again.

Anyway, take a DEEEEEP breath. I'm done. Work is fin, well at least the hard part is. My darling husband, who literally came home Weds night for the first time in about a week, spent yesterday searching airfare and is on his way to BWI as I type, to do some sharkin'.

In other words he bailed, to Miami, to fish. He intends to spend 2 days on a boat with his cell phone off. He'll make the 2 days on the boat, but no way in hell will he be able to leave the phone off. I dared him.

The chillins are about done with school, there are some half days to go and a final or 2 yet. But Weds is the LAST day. Thurs at ass crack of dawn I am outta here. Headin to da beach to visit my sis, and steal my nephew who is accompanying his parents down, as well. YEEAAHH!!!! (happy dance)

AND SOME BIG NEWS....my baby sister got engaged last week. She hit the husband LOTTO, not only is he tall dark and handsome. He's so nice....and he's a Dr. (ok almost a Dr.) and you know what a Dr in the family means.....good drugs!!!! kidding, jeesh

It also means I have less than a year to lose 700 pounds of ugly fat, so that I won't hate the pictures from the wedding. Because I finally get to be in a wedding (go me go me).

So excuse me while I spend my weekend in my yard, planting some flowers, and making my house so pretty, so I can wave goodbye to it most of the summer. Because I was thinking about it last night,(trying to rationalize why I was staying home and jerk was going to Miami) between family things,kid's games, a trip or 2, and college visits with the oldest i will be home for about 10.2 seconds between Thurs and Labor Day.

oh yeah...you can exhale now. Hope your weather is as nice as mine promises.

ohh the temptation

My beauty routine has never consisted of much more than an exfoliating scrub, Oil of Olay, a smudge of eyeliner and a dab of mascara. Bronzer in the winter. So basic it is laughable. Of course some people say I'm lucky, my one friend who had bad acne as a teen has to clump on so much makeup just to feel ready. Not that she NEEDS to, she just feels better with it, and is jealous of my ability to do close to nothing.

I have had moments in my life though, where I would be possessed by some inner diva. I would be compelled to purchase liners, lip sticks, and cute little pots of nonsense, that inevitably would be hardly touched and end up in the trash or doled out to friend's daughters.

I thought I had finally grown out of all that. I knew just because I bought the crap did NOT mean I would use it. Yeah, I have times where I want to look more dramatic, but I feel silly with more than my minimalist look. I was good to go, hey here I am take me or leave me.

Then one Christmas I innocently went online and bought my brother's g/f (at the time, now mommy to my perfect nephew) a gift card to Sephora. Lo and behold a couple months later, didn't those fine folks send me a catalog. Not just a catalog, ooh no. More like a book of girly goodness, chock full o tubes and tubs. Scrubs and lotions, scents and little pots of glimmery, sparkly shiny stuff.

Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE sparkly stuff? The book comes and I am compelled....I MUST look. I know I shouldn't, but I cannot stop myself. And every stinkin time it's the same thing.

diva me:"OOOOHHHHHH, look. So cute, I would use that if I bought it"

real me:"Yeah just like the lip Venom, there's $32 we'll never see again"


diva me:"Come on just this one last time, and if I don't use it I'll NEVER ask for anything from here again"

real me: "NO"

diva me: "Screw you, I know where you keep the crdit card"

real me: "well they do give me free samples"

The rest my friends is history. 3 days later I am the proud owner of at least 2 new items that will never be used, save for trying them out. The cute little bag they "wrap" the shit in, and a moistrizer that will last 1.5 applications.

Curse you Sephora, and all your wares. You will not lure me in again. (except for that one eyeliner maybe)

the apple and the tree it fell from

Husband and I returned home from work on Sunday. OK, first off, don't even get me started on the fact that not only did I work on mother's day(!!), and it was real work, not one of the days where I sat around waiting, but trekking up and down this STEEP hill, crawling around under trees, trying to decide which ones were junk and which ones weren't. Not only did I work, but we got home and darling sensitive husband walked in the door and sat on the couch and started to play X Box. I, went about the business of deciding what to do about dinner, and cleaning the effin mess that 4 kids left in their wake throughout the day. Because he's the dad, and that's what he does.

Seriously though, don't feel bad, I have my ways of getting even. Like while I'm cruising the outlets in AC on Father's Day, and he's stuck home for 3 days with the kids. I might just wander into the Coach outlet and stumble upon this, and take it home. Because I'm the mom and that's what I do.

So husband sits his butt down to play X Box. Only hmmm, no controllers. Now I am the first to admit that my home will never be mistaken as a home for the compulsive cleaner. But I do have 4 cats wandering around, so the chances of any critter being large enough to wander in and walk off with the controllers are really quite slim. And unless all the ants, that have recently started invading (reminder to me...need some Sevin )gathered together and hoisted the controllers on their backs, someONE had to do something with said controllers.

Only, you guessed it, no one knew where they were. I had my ideas, because oldest had had some friends sleep over the night before and they were all still snoozing soundly when we left. (at 7 am, to work on mother's day...)But I kept my opinions to myself, not wanting to stir up an unneeded, and ridiculous arguement about video game controllers. My solution was this, given the controllers HAD to be here somewhere, oldest should go to Wal Mart and buy a new one on his way to pick up dinner.

"But they're $50.", exclaims my husband, who will drop $479 on an RC helicopter that will fly once and crash to a fiery death, with out batting an eye. AT which point I told him he could either get a new controller or find something else to do.

Oldest comes home with food and controller and we all sleep happily. The next morning I said to oldest, if he had leant the controllers out he needed to get them back. The mere suggestion of such an atrocity being performed by him was enough to start the mumbling, door slammimg fest of Monday morning, which carried over into the "I dont trust him", pity party of Monday evening.

Yesterday (Weds), husband and I were both gone ALL day. No one around but the kids after school. What is peeking out from under the coffee table this morning, just enough to be noticed, but not enough to be tripped on? Both controllers.

Because he is our son and that is what he does...